Finally, Ben Speaks!

It feels strange to finally sit down and begin contributing to the blog that Jordan and I began several months ago, which I insisted that she include me in. I've had some reticence about writing, whether it's due to my innate laziness or lack of material to get truly excited. I had this idea that my first post must be something special, and I had no interest in writing a history to this point.

What has finally prompted me to write is the book I just finished reading. It's the novel The Fountainhead which I finished this morning. There hasn't been a book I have thought more about or been as inspired by in a long time, outside of the scriptures. So many times when I talk to my girls there's something that rubs me the wrong way, and it's so difficult sometimes to identify what it is really about it. This book in so many ways has illuminated what bugs me of so many institutions in psychology, our culture, and the media. The most clear way I can phrase it is the gradual decline of personal integrity and accountability in our culture.

One of the most interesting part of the book for me is the themes that man should spend his time for himself, and not for anyone else. Now on the surface it seems a selfish point to make, which is how those who are truly selfish try to discredit and oppose those individuals whom attempt and complete the truly exceptional. It is so insidious how I have let the godless religion of communism, collectivism, and it's cousin liberal socialism into our lives. We are taught from the womb that we must help those around us, that we must help the poor by giving of our money. It's true that giving to others is a virtue, but when it's extorted from the giver it benefits no one. When taken from the man by force of the government and law the money I give it grudgingly, and because of it I never have the joy of true charity. The benefactor doesn't benefit from just receiving without work, because the cost of such help without compensatory work is one's own self-respect. It is both the blessing and curse of this world that man shall live by the sweat of his brow. As I have told my girls over and over that the cost of self esteem is achievement. The only way to truly feel good about one's self is to set and achieve goals, and they must be the goals you know you had to work to achieve. The evil part of this enforced giving is that we pat ourselves on the back for our progressiveness while truly hurting the people we profess to care about.

Which brings me to another point that I love about this book, which is that the person I must try to satisfy is myself. Again this comes across as a selfish viewpoint, but it really there are only two people that know when we have done our best, ourselves and our God. When I stand before God and give an accounting of my life, it will not be the taxes that I report, or the welfare programs that it funded. Rather I will stand and talk about what I have done with the talents and opportunities I have been given to help those around me personally. It won't matter the commitees that I was appointed to, the organizations that I belonged to. Ours is a PERSONAL God, and PERSONAL integrity and PERSONAL achievements are the only thing that shall stand as witnesses for or against me.

It is the move away from personal responsibility that scares me so much, the excuses and reasons that we throw around for our choices. I must learn to take accountability for my failings, and work to satisfy myself, and my God. So many times we try to take the me or I out of a situation. So many times I have heard "the house is tense" instead of "I'm mad or frustrated with some people" and we used instead of I. In fact I wrote the better part of this essay in the third person before I realized I was doing it, and rewrote it to be about me. So I am going to work hard on satisfying my own expectations, and working as hard as I know that I can.

It's been a while!

I can't believe it has been since May since we posted anything!

Stephanie and Manuel were married last month in the Salt Lake temple. In August we also took the kids and the girls camping outside Yellowstone at Granite Creek. It was a great summer. Eva learned to walk, Nate started learning sign language . . . we'll start updating more from now on! I'll also start adding more pictures . . .

Cliche marriage epiphany

Last week Ben and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary while "vacationing" in Goblin Valley with the girls. The kids stayed back with their grandparents. We had fun while we were gone, but camping and hiking with ten girls in the next tent talking about their menstrual cycles at seven in the morning wasn't exactly romantic! So, we decided to take four days off work when we returned, both to recover and to have fun.

That is when I learned that "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "King of Queens" and every other sitcom about married life suddenly makes sense!

Friday we spent at Costco. It is a day event between loading up the kids and the drive to Salt Lake. Afterwards we decided we should go out to eat. Before kids we ate out frequently, and we were always trying to decide on the "perfect place." After a day of errands the kids, we decided on Olive Garden in two minutes for the following reasons: it was close by, we were exuasted, and we knew what we would like to eat. At the restaurant Ben remembered what a pain it was to wait on families with kids as Nathan threw silverware and food on the floor and shrieked loudly. I tried to take Nathan out after he threw food at me but he just loved the new scenery of different areas of the restaurant. And to be honest, it was hard to be really upset with him because in between the tantrums he was really fun.

Saturday Ben spent playing his video game, a well deserved reward after a day of shopping. I cleaned the apartment.

Sunday I cleaned, again, and packed the kids to spend the night at their grandparents. We thought about going up to Park City for the night, but only for a minute. So, we dropped the kids off, and went to a wedding reception where we talked more about our kids. At home we watched a movie.

I know I am officially a mom when I asked for a food processor for a gift. And I definitely know Ben is a dad when we buy a new computer monitor instead!

We ended our weekend at the factory outlets in Park City, where I bought Stride Rite shoes for the kids for a mere $15 and clothes at the Banana Republic outlet. I am now a bargain shopper!

In spite of my realization that I have turned into a Mormon Mom, I had a great weekend!

Stephanie, my sister, planned to spend the summer in Chile. Stephanie is a Spanish major at BYU and wishes to teach English as a second language. At the last minute Stephanie decided to stay home, with big news. Stephanie is getting married on August 23. So, it looks like I get to help plan a wedding this summer . . .

Stephanie and I are both adopted. The stories of our adoptions aren't especially interesting, but you'd be surprised by the questions people ask when they find out. Both of us were born to young single mothers who chose to give their babies lives with two parents. When Stephanie came home, I asked my mom over and over when her mom was going to come pick her up! I was used to being the center of attention . . .

On Stephanie's first birthday, my mom told me she was going to put Stephie down for a nap and decorate the birthday cake, and then we would have a party. At two years old, I interpreted this to mean that if Stephanie did not nap, she would not have a party. I filled a cup of water from the bathroom and dumped it on Stephie's head as she lay in her crib. I still remember how I pulled the stool to the bathroom sink, walked carefully down the hall trying not to spill the water, and how I couldn't really see into Stephanie's crib as I turned the cup upside down. I do remember the birthday party I was unable to prevent, and family video shows me sulking and trying to sneak my finger into the frosting of the birthday cake!

We did play well together most of the time as children, but we also were great with our fingernails when we were angry, especially Stephanie. Stephanie was really sweet when she was little, but she had a fiesty side to her. One minute Stephanie would write a sweet note about how much she loved me and the next minute she would be biting and scratching! Stephanie and I weren't especially competetive, except for when it came to music. One day after I began piano lessons, which I begged to take, my mom called us all into the family room where Stephanie had picked out the melody to "Joy to the World." It became clear that Stephanie had perfect pitch. Although Stephanie started playing much later than me, and I was more serious, Stephanie caught up quickly. We would often fight because I would work hard to learn a piece and since Stephanie could hear me practicing, she would pick up the song much more quickly when it was her turn.

It doesn't surprise me that she speaks Spanish so well - she has a great ear!

A thorough introduction

My name is Jordan. I was born and raised in Hillsboro, Oregon. I have one sister, Stephanie. My dad, Jim, is a dentist in Hillsboro, and my mom, Connie, is his right hand woman at the office.

Almost six years ago (WOW) I met my husband, Ben, in Provo, Utah. We met in the typical BYU fashion, at church! The first time Ben and I met I thought he was really difficult to read. We spoke briefly, but I didn't think much of it because we didn't click. After several encounters at social events throughout the summer, Ben and I ended up talking for several afters after Sunday night Ward Prayer and clicked. We married in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on May 2, 2003.

In April of 2005 we made a life changing decision. At the time Ben was working at a restaurant and was pretty burnt out. I had been working at a residential treatment center, Discovery Academy. We accepted a new job at Alpine Academy, as Family Teachers. We moved an hour away from our home to Tooele, Utah to live in a home with ten privately placed girls in need of treatment to address behaviors such as depression, family strain, social anxiety, and discipline issues. We knew the job would be intense, but nothing could have prepared us for the sacrifices we would make, the lessons we would learn, and in turn blessings!

Our first year was quite an adjustment. I was pregnant with our first baby. During our first ultrasound the radiologist detected a cystic kidney and problems with the baby's bladder. At a follow up visit with maternal fetal medicine, we were told that the baby would likely have good renal function in his remaining kidney and no other abnormalities were detected. On September 18, at 35 weeks, I woke up in the morning and thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. I snapped at Ben several times and we argued. I think because I was so horribly moody, Ben suspected something might really be wrong. We decided to stop in the ER quickly just to be safe. Once in the emergency room the nurse asked me to sit in a wheelchair. I immediately felt embarrassed and hoped I wasn't overreacting. After two hours in the women's unit the doctor prepared to release me. At the last minute the doctor decided to check my cervix because the machines were detecting contractions. He found I was dilated and almost completely effaced, and decided to keep me overnight. I was naive about childbirth and when the doctor sent me home on bedrest, I was clueless that I would have the baby within 24 hours! I was only home for two hours when my water broke. Nathan was born on September 19, 2005.

We were warned that Nathan may have respiratory problems due to his prematurity. I saw his cute little cone-head and then the nurses immediately whisked him away to work on his lungs. In the meantime I was taken to a recovery room and the on-call pediatrician came to speak to Ben and I. It was such a blessing this particular physician, Dr. Haroutunian, was on call that day. As Dr. H. tried to place a breathing tube in Nathan's trachea, he detected a trans-esophageal fistula (TEF). Acting on instinct, Dr. H. checked Nathan's bottom. He then discovered Nathan also had an imperforate anus. Dr. H. was the first person to use the word "VATTRS." Nathan took his first helicopter ride to Primary Children's hospital where two weeks later doctors finally concluded that Nathan did indeed have VATTRS Syndrome, also known as VACTRAL. Nathan was born with an ASD/VSD hole in his heart, an imperforate anus, and a TEF. Nathan's second kidney had completely disintegrated. Nathan's ureter connected through his prostate, creating a large ureter with a slow flow, and grade 5 kidney reflux. Nathan's anus also connected to his prostate. By chance and unrelated to his other birth defects, Nathan was born with problems with his reproductive system as well. On Nathan's second day of life he underwent major surgery to repair his TEF and create an stoma for waste disposal. Nathan spent six weeks in the NICU. After two weeks we were finally able to hold him. Ben and I could feel his sweetness. We knew Nathan was special and I felt inadequate to take care of someone with a special mission we could sense. Once Nathan came home, he wore an eating tube we would place in his nose to aide in feeding. Nathan lacked an appetite and was often too tired to eat. Over the next year Nathan was hospitalized every other month for infections such as e-coli, pseudamonas, and enterococcus, caused by his grade 5 reflux. Nathan also began continual oxygen therapy at home when a routine echocardiogram revealed pulmonary hypertension of his lungs. At eight months old Nathan underwent heart bypass surgery to repair the hole in his heart.

During this time, I became pregnant with our second baby. Ben and I knew it would be hard to have two babies so close together, but I felt so strongly that Nathan needed a friend, and that we had another little spirit waiting to come to earth. Due to the complications with Nathan, I was closely monitored, but everyone involved felt that since Nathan's condition was one in a billion, there wasn't much need for concern. At 20 weeks gestation, I began having infrequent contractions. By 24 weeks I was on bedrest and medication. At 29 weeks, I was hospitalized at St. Marks.

My hospitalization left Ben at home with Nathan and ten girls. I learned a lot about myself during my six week hospital stay. For one thing, I learned that I need people. Once when I was fifteen someone commented to my mom that I was the most independent and resourceful teenager he had met. I fed off of this comment for a long time. I still don't know why - I had many other positive attributes, and quite honestly, I was a talented teenager and had many other characteristics I could have explored and developed. For some reason, I took great pride in this comment, and for a long time I thought it made me strong to not "need" anyone. Although until I was married I always had a lot of friends, few of them sensed that I kept each of them at a calculated distance. In fact, those I felt closest to I pushed away the most. During my hospital stay I became acutely aware that I no longer had friends. I had known this for a long time, but I blamed it on my sixty hour work weeks and taking care of a special needs child. Left alone with a television and my thoughts, I couldn't run away from the truth. For the first four weeks the nurses would offer me help and I would refuse it. They would say, "You're so easy!" and I would feel so good that I didn't cause them trouble, and that I was so independent. When I was admitted to St. Marks I was transported by ambulance from Tooele. I was dilated to a 4 and almost completely effaced. I believe strongly our baby did not come because there were lessons I needed to learn, and I resisted them until my last two weeks on bedrest. Among this important realization, I spent a lot of time thinking about my family and my life.

Eva Rachelle was born on October 9, 2006. Eva was admitted to the NICU due to lung prematurity. Eva came home the day Nathan was admitted to Primary Children's hospital for surgery to repair his imperforate anus!

I have spent the last six months watching Eva and Nathan grow and working hard to help teach our teenage girls the skills they need to return to their families.