I just want to note that in every single picture taken of Eva in the last 3 months she has a bruise somewhere on her face. Just to clarify, Ben uses photoshop often to remove bruises in pictures, so treasure any photos of Eva with a clear forehead. Eva, Mommy says to SLOW DOWN! Stop running into walls :)

Eva loves to bring things to Jordan and I, she started by bringing her bottle to us for us to give her more milk, but now she brings us bowls to fill with cereal. In the last week or so, she's even started to bring us presents so that we can unwrap them for her...







Eva and Nathan both love our neat little advent calendar, they both pull out the little drawers and stack them around the house. Eva really tries to distribute them as widely as possible.







Eva doesn't really understand the whole sippy cup thing, but she likes to lick the cup at least. She knows that there is good stuff in there, but she doesn't quite know how to get it.


Here's Nathan summoning the waiter, he's getting better and better at communicating what he wants. Sometimes he gets a little pushy, and acts like a little diva when he doesn't get what he wants, throwing things and screaming like Tyra Banks.

Taking Advice

When starting this job of caring for and teaching teenage girls, I never dreamed that it would affect me so much as a person. The seemingly trite comment that I've heard over and over in sunday school of "I learned so much more for myself than for anyone else in preparing this lesson." has taken on new meaning for me. In some ways, it was like my experience learning a foreign language.
When I started to learn Norwegian, I started with learning vocabulary words, and memorizing sentences, but as I progressed I learned more and more of the subtle rules of syntax and grammar. The more I learned, the more I had to reexamine English to understand why we phrase things the way we do. You never really think about in your native language, because to you that's just how you would say it correctly. Norwegians were so good at speaking English, that sometimes they would ask a complex grammatical question. All I could say sometimes was what the correct phrasing would be, but I would have to think and think for a while about why it was right.
I find the same thing happening with frightening regularity in my work with the girls, as I teach them about not dating while they are young, the value of honesty and hard work, the pitfalls of pleasure now and pay later. Just as explaining the subtleties of English can be difficult without the knowledge of why it's supposed to be said a certain way, it's frustrating to explain the how and why of morality when the supporting structure of my faith has to be stripped away. I have to teach pure ethics, and use logic and reason to prove the things that I know in my heart are true. It has really reinforced my testimony about how God gives us commandments not to restrict us, but to show us how to be happy and feel good about ourselves. Showing that these commandments and social obligations we call morality are intrinsically worthwhile has really helped me to reexamine myself.
It also occurs with punctuality that I catch myself giving the girls advice about what I really need to hear at the moment. Just the other day I was giving the counsel that we always need to keep ourselves open to learning new things and changing the preconceptions we hold about things and people. I was referring to her refusing to admit that she might ever think that the goth lifestyle wasn't fulfilling or cool, but later that evening I refused to watch a movie because I thought it was going to be liberal propaganda. It struck me that I was closing off opportunities for me to grow by closing my mind to it before seeing it. I watched it objectively, and I learned that I really enjoyed watching the movie and thinking about perspectives I had never considered before.
Most of all, this job really makes me want to really get to know Katie, my youngest sister. I've watched her grow and become such an interesting person to read about while she learns in Jerusalem and I can't wait for her to get home and have her come hang out with us more. Most of all, I just want to listen to her, because I feel I've talked so much to her, rather than with her. I can't wait.

My favorite christmas memories...

I've had a little time since Jordan posted her thoughts, and the thing that I remember about Christmas head and shoulders above everything else is the waiting, and waiting, and waiting again at the top of the stairs of our home. This was all part of the Christmas morning routine in my home. Shelley and I would wake up around 5:30 or so and we would run to the others bedroom and wait for my parents to wake up. It was an eternity before my parents would call up that they were ready with the video camera and such, with the youngest going first. So I would watch Kate run down the stairs, listening to her excited cries as we waited for a few minutes, and then it was Chris' turn to go down. The cycle of excited cries and loud announcements of "Wow, a a ________" would continue with Chris and finally Shelley. After them it was finally my turn to come down and see my presents from Santa. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be the oldest sibling...

I remember helping to decorate the trees, and that we had to straighten the branches of the fake tree just so to satisfy my father's sense of craftmanship. The sad part is I gave the same speech I received about spreading the branches out correctly to my girls just the other day. I also remember holding the ladder while my father put the lights up on the nails he had spaced perfectly down the gutter, so that they would look straight and hold tight. I didn't appreciate my father's commitment to making it look right at the time, and just wanted to be finished.

One of my hardest years was one of the most memorable, the first Christmas away from home. At the top of the world, I worked in Norway as a missionary with my companion. We had opened the area up to missionary work a few weeks previously with my companion, and had very few interested people, and even fewer members. We lived with the family that comprised the small branch in Alta. After spending almost a week inside escaping the dangerously cold weather, we looked forward to enjoying the weeklong event of a norwegian Christmas. It begins with little Christmas eve, the day before christmas eve, and goes until 3 or 4 days after Christmas. On little christmas eve, I remember feeling a little sick, and thinking to myself that it was lucky that I was getting sick on little Christmas eve, because then I wouldn't be sick for actual Christmas. Oh, what a cruel joke that turned out to be, I spiked a fever of around 103, and spent most of Christmas Eve, and the greater part of Christmas day lying on the couch, listening to the same Tennis Shoes among the Nephites book on tape over and over again. I remember calling my parents, and talking to them for a while, and then hanging up and a few minutes later wondering if I had really made the call, or was just delerious.

Reading the Nativity story was also always a tradition on Christmas eve, as was the yearly pleading from Shelley and I that we should be able to pick one present to open on christmas eve. I loved going to lunch at grandma's house so that I could run around with my cousins and try out and compare presents. I could always depend on getting a good pair of sweats from grandma, and the feeling of such large group of people around me that cared about me is something I have found more and more treasured as I see what other families have to make do with. As much as I grumble about cheesy christmas songs and hearing christmas music before thanksgiving, I really love christmas and can't wait to start real traditions with my children that they can hold on to.

Christmas is coming!

I thought it would be fun if every so often Ben and I pick a topic together and write about it. It took some convincing, but Ben is on board! Ben picked our subject matter: favorite Christmas memories!

I LOVE Christmas. Every year in elementary school my teacher assigned some version of the topic, "What are your family's holiday traditions?" I never knew what to write. It wasn't that we didn't have Christmas traditions! I grew up in a community that celebrated Christmas without much religion. Everyone else wrote, "We wake up at 4am and rip open all of the presents," or "We make lists of presents for Santa." We didn't make lists of presents for Santa because my parents taught us that we should appreciate the thought that went into what we were given and focus instead on thinking of gifts for others. My parents reminded us that the reason we give each other gifts is to honor Christ and His gift to us. We read the Christmas story from the Bible every Christmas Eve and sang Christmas hymns. As a child I was confused by my friends' version of Christmas, and I have grown up to appreciate the way I was taught.

One year when I was 5 or 6 I wanted a bath time Cabbage Patch doll. One day we were shopping and I realized my mom had put the doll in our shopping cart, along with other toys. I was sure the gifts were for Christmas and I was suprised my mom was buying them in front of Stephie and I. Later that night my mom wrapped an enormous box of Christmas gifts, including the doll, right in front of us. I started to guess the gifts were not for me. My parents explained that someone they knew would not have a Christmas and asked if we would be willing to share our gifts with the family. We gathered the presents and boxes of food and quietly snuck to the doorstep, rang the doorbell, and ran to the car. It was great!!!

The first Christmas Ben and I were married I put up a really small Christmas tree decorated with just a few ornaments I bought at Target and a "tree skirt" that was really an old ballet wrap. I played Christmas music non stop and I found a job for the holidays to earn extra money to buy presents. During the month of December I rear ended a car in a parking lot and we ended up having to pay $600 to fix the other car just a week or so before Christmas. Almost all of the money I earned at my holiday job went to the repair. I thought that our Christmas was ruined. Ben isn't a huge fan of shopping, but when it came time to go and buy gifts for our family and friends, we had so much fun. We came up with ideas together and walked through the mall holding hands all lovey dovey and it was great! On Christmas Eve we went to Wal-Mart to buy gifts for each other. We didn't really have much money left, so we each took $20 to go and buy each other little presents. One of those little stocking stuffers was my all time favorite gift from Ben: a bottle of real vanilla. At the time Ben and I disagreed about the value of real vanilla versus imitation vanilla and we always bought the fake stuff. We opened our presents on Christmas and when I saw my bottle of real vanilla extract I thought it was the most romantic gift Ben ever gave me!

My most recent favorite Christmas memory is our first Christmas at Alpine. Nathan was just a few months old and since all of our girls would be gone at Christmas we decided to have a "Fake Christmas" before everyone went home for the holidays. All of the girls opened their own present and a few gifts for the house, and Nate received a new tummy time mat. Ben made ham and funeral potatoes, one of my favorite meals, and we just relaxed. I can't really describe what was so great about it, but I loved that day. We tried to recreate it the next year, but it just wasn't the same.

I know this is really long, but blame Ben because he picked the topic and he knows I can't stop! I can't wait to see our kids open presents now that they are a little older and care a little more this year (I hope)!

VACTERL is an acronym for a combination of birth defects. A child with three or more of these birth defects may fall under the VACTERL association. Since Nathan was born with VACTERL, people ask a lot of questions. Here is the rundown:

Vertebral abnormalities: Nathan was not born with typical vertebral abnormalities. Nate was born with a longer than normal spinal cord, but it was not tethered as is common with VACTERL.

Anal atresia: Nathan was born with an imperforate anus because his anus was connected to his prostate. Nate had a colostomy: his intestines were pulled to the surface of his abdomen to dispose of waste into an artificial bag. At one year of age Nate underwent a reconstruction of his anus. Six months later he had a surgery to take down the colostomy and now through a bowel routine will be able to be potty trained as typical, though we have been warned it might be a long process.

Cardiac defects: Nate was born with several holes in his heart, ASD and VSD. They were repaired when he was 8 months old durng open heart bypass surgery. Due to the complications of a weak heart during his first months, Nate developed pulmonary hypertension, high blood pressure in the lungs. Nate wore oxygen full time for almost a year, and now wears oxygen at night.

Tracheoesophageal fistula: Nate was born with a connection, or fistula, between his windpipe and esophagus. Nate has this repaired the morning after he was born.

Esophageal atresia: Kids with the fistula typcially also have esophageal atresia, which creates reflux and other eating problems. As Nate matures he will be able to learn how to manage these issues through dilation of his esophagus, feeding therapy, and medication.

Renal abnormalities: For Natha, this is the most serious of his association. Nate was born with a single displastic kidney. Nate's kidney is weak and unable to pump fluid quickly enough to flush itself well. Over time this created a large ureter, where bacteria was able to grow and urine became slow moving, like a dam in a river, and flushed urine back into his kidney. This is called kidney reflux. Over time the reflux created infections and damaged his kidney. Last year Nate had surgery to taper his ureter and place an internal stent. Together these help create a faster flow of urine to his bladder, decreasing his kidney infections. Since this time Nate's kidney fuction has not worsened. It is anticipated that at some point Nathan will need a kidney transplant. We can do our best to prevent this and increase the fuction of his kidney by feeding Nathan large volumes of fluid and keeping his electrolytes balanced properly. Typically Nathan's kidney functions between 15-30%. Kidney disease creates other abnormalities we have to watch closely with Nathan: poor growth, dental problems, poor development of fine motor skills in the mouth due to lack of appetite and oral stimulation, etc.

Limb abnormalities: Nate was born with pronation and weakness of his feet and ankles that will improve over time through physical therapy and aids such as braces for his feet. Nate's muscles are weak, but are able to be strengthened and simply require extra work.

I wish that was everything, but that is just a brief overview of VACTERL association and Nate's health history. Nate is a tough kid and we love him and are proud of his strength!

Lately Eva is surprising me with new adventures every day, so here is an update!

Eva is speaking!
So far Eva has thrilled Ben by refusing to call him "daddy." The other day I asked for Ben and Eva copied me by yelling at the top of her lungs, "BEN!" Sometimes Ben will ask her to call him "daddy" and she will say, "NO." Eva's used two words together for the first time to say, "Don't cry." Eva now happily says this once she has been cheered up to her satisfaction after a fit of crying. One of the girls was trying to get Eva's attention by calling her name and Eva ignored her and then finally said, "What?!" in an exhasperated voice. Eva surprises me all of the time with words I didn't realize she knew since we don't say them all of the time, such as 'door.' I love Eva's little voice! Eva also started singing and dancing in the car when I play music.

Eva is a pack rat!
Eva doesn't really play with toys. She picks up as many as she can hold in both hands and carries them around with her. If Nathan starts to play with something it suddenly becomes irresistable and she takes it from him and toddles away. Eva wanders around the house a lot, too.

Eva accepts no!
Each time we told Eva 'no' she paused, looked at us for a moment, and then cried hysterically. To solve this problem we acted really excited each time Eva paused and cheered, "Good job stopping, Eva!" before she could start crying. Now every time we tell Eva 'no' she stops, looks at us, and starts clapping and smiling before we even praise her!

Eva has separation anxiety!
Eva loves attention. She also like to be in charge. If Eva walks away from Ben or I then it is okay for us to be apart. If Ben or I walk away from Eva, even a couple of steps or to cross a room, she is not happy. Today while I took a shower Eva stood screaming and pulling on the curtain until I finished and picked her up. Although it makes finishing paperwork difficult, I love that Eva loves to be held!

1. What is the best thing you cooked last week?
I didn't cook much last week, but I did make Zuppa Toscana.

2. If time, money, and babysitting were no object, where would you go and with who?
Scandinavia with Jordan.

3. When was the last time you cried?
When I puked this morning a couple of tears squeezed out from all of the pressure.

4. Five things you were doing this month ten years ago:
On my mission; working in the town of Moss, which smelled like pumpkins; street contacting and talking to people - the usual missionary life.

5. Five things on your to do list today:
I only have one thing to do on my to do list: lay in bed because I am sick. Maybe later I'll play Guitar Hero if I am feeling better.

6. Five favorite snacks:
Diet Coke, Goldfish, pretzels, chips and french onion dip, fruit roll ups

7. Five bad habits:
Procrastinating, staying up too late, drinking diet coke and eating too much fast food, and playing video games too much.

8. Five favorite foods:
Enchiladas, steak, Arby's, Zuppa Toscana, buffalo wings

9. Five places I've been:
Cozumel
Norway
Florida
Hawaii
8 of the worst hours of my life in Paris

10. Five favorite memories:
Nathan and Eva being born; getting married to Jordan; coming home from my mission; taking Nathan home from the hospital; first semester at BYU

Shelley, you are great - I LOVE these. I like reading other people's answers. I am going to interview Ben and make him do it, too.

1. What is the best thing you cooked last week?
I did not cook a single thing last week. But, the best food I ate last week was actually hospital food - PCMC makes a pretty good Halloween carmel apple!

2. If babysitting and money were no object, where would you go?
On a CRUISE! But I am not going to elaborate because it will not being happening anytime soon and then I will just want it more . . .

3. When was the last time you cried?
I don't like this question . . . according to Ben I don't like to be vulnerable.

4. Five things you were doing this month 10 years ago:
I actually have a pretty funny story! When I was 15 there was a weekend stake youth retreat around Halloween time. I was grounded for the weekend, but not from the church activity. I had this great idea to cut out on the dance to hang out with this guy I liked, a non-member. So, his MOM came and picked me up (we were 15 - we couldn't drive) and dropped us off downtown. It was my first "real date," where the guy paid for dinner and everything. Keep in mind my parents are letter of the law kind of people and I was not allowed to date until I was 16. While we were gone my dad came to bring me something at the stake center and I was not there. One of the other youth said I left with this guy, and my parents actually tracked down his parents, whom they had never met, called his mom, and had a chat. So, when his mom picked us up, I got to ride home with the boy (he did not know I was not allowed to date until I was 16 or that I would get into trouble for leaving the dance) and his mom in a very uncomfortable silence. Don't worry, though - he thought it was pretty hilarious and flirted/teased me about it for months. His mom was very sweet and just very concerned. I was humiliated. Later, my parents invited his parents over for dinner. It was fabulously cool. Ten years ago I was also really into Foo Fighters, Sarah McLaughlan, and Third Eye Blind; I was skipping study hall to go to Haag Lake every Friday with my friends; my favorite book was "Good Night, Gracie," which I haven't read since and would like to track down to see why I liked it so much; I participated in piano and vocal competitions and performances.

5. Five things on your to-do list:
Since it is Sunday, my list is pretty short: Take Nathan up to PCMC to have his NJ tube placed since he pulled it out in the middle of the night, clean up the apartment, start my laundry, go to church (if Ben stops throwing up by then so he can watch the kids, who are also throwing up), and then do anything that does not involve work.

6. Five favorite snacks:
Kettle corn, Reese's Fast Break and milk, Jamba Juice, granola (the kind in the green box), and frozen peach slices.

7. Five bad habits:
Checking my work e-mail too many times on my day off, putting my kids to bed in t-shirts instead of pajamas (you would too if you had to fight Eva to get pants on), eating in bed, watching too much TV, avoiding things.

8. Five favorite foods:
Japanese chicken wings, roasted tomato soup from Paradise Bakery, Jamba Juice and jalepeno bread, fajitas, and Costco chicken and monterey jack chimichangas.

9. Five places I've been:
Palmyra, New York
British Columbia and Toronto, Canada
Florida
Philadelphia
Caribbean

10. Five favorite memories:
I was really happy when I was 17; going to haunted houses with Ben and on lots of dates and just having fun and laughing at stupid things; moving into our house at Alpine with clean, new carpet; Nathan and Eva's first laughs; anytime Ben, the kids, and I play together.

Video Posting Mania

Time to Post some cute videos for all the girls that have gone on and my sister in Israel...

Why sometimes I feel like an old man

It's funny, I just finished talking with one of my girls that has moved on, and it is so scary sometimes for me to look at the myspace or facebook pages. It's funny but it also makes me fear the day that Nathan and Eva become old enough to get into the kind of trouble that takes more than a kiss on the cheek or time out to fix. I think about how helpless I feel sometimes in this job. Teaching the girls about right and wrong, choices and consequences, and about how to get what they want from life is great. The hard part is they get to make the choices, and that is the scary part.
I see my former girls on their websites, with their pictures that sometimes make me think about all the conversations I had with them about respecting themselves enough to wear modest clothes, and about how many times we talked about how alchohol makes people acts like idiots.
I see the conversations they have with each other on the social websites, and the words and way they talk to each other and it makes me want to have them in my home again, so that I can tell them the right thing to do. But as my more rational side takes over, I have to face the hardest truth of parenthood I've discovered. You can't make kids great, you can't make them successfull, you can't make the choices for them. You can do everything you can to make it easier and make the choices and consequences clear, and be consistent, but at the end of the day you need them to make the choice, and let them live with the consequences.

Finally, Ben Speaks!

It feels strange to finally sit down and begin contributing to the blog that Jordan and I began several months ago, which I insisted that she include me in. I've had some reticence about writing, whether it's due to my innate laziness or lack of material to get truly excited. I had this idea that my first post must be something special, and I had no interest in writing a history to this point.

What has finally prompted me to write is the book I just finished reading. It's the novel The Fountainhead which I finished this morning. There hasn't been a book I have thought more about or been as inspired by in a long time, outside of the scriptures. So many times when I talk to my girls there's something that rubs me the wrong way, and it's so difficult sometimes to identify what it is really about it. This book in so many ways has illuminated what bugs me of so many institutions in psychology, our culture, and the media. The most clear way I can phrase it is the gradual decline of personal integrity and accountability in our culture.

One of the most interesting part of the book for me is the themes that man should spend his time for himself, and not for anyone else. Now on the surface it seems a selfish point to make, which is how those who are truly selfish try to discredit and oppose those individuals whom attempt and complete the truly exceptional. It is so insidious how I have let the godless religion of communism, collectivism, and it's cousin liberal socialism into our lives. We are taught from the womb that we must help those around us, that we must help the poor by giving of our money. It's true that giving to others is a virtue, but when it's extorted from the giver it benefits no one. When taken from the man by force of the government and law the money I give it grudgingly, and because of it I never have the joy of true charity. The benefactor doesn't benefit from just receiving without work, because the cost of such help without compensatory work is one's own self-respect. It is both the blessing and curse of this world that man shall live by the sweat of his brow. As I have told my girls over and over that the cost of self esteem is achievement. The only way to truly feel good about one's self is to set and achieve goals, and they must be the goals you know you had to work to achieve. The evil part of this enforced giving is that we pat ourselves on the back for our progressiveness while truly hurting the people we profess to care about.

Which brings me to another point that I love about this book, which is that the person I must try to satisfy is myself. Again this comes across as a selfish viewpoint, but it really there are only two people that know when we have done our best, ourselves and our God. When I stand before God and give an accounting of my life, it will not be the taxes that I report, or the welfare programs that it funded. Rather I will stand and talk about what I have done with the talents and opportunities I have been given to help those around me personally. It won't matter the commitees that I was appointed to, the organizations that I belonged to. Ours is a PERSONAL God, and PERSONAL integrity and PERSONAL achievements are the only thing that shall stand as witnesses for or against me.

It is the move away from personal responsibility that scares me so much, the excuses and reasons that we throw around for our choices. I must learn to take accountability for my failings, and work to satisfy myself, and my God. So many times we try to take the me or I out of a situation. So many times I have heard "the house is tense" instead of "I'm mad or frustrated with some people" and we used instead of I. In fact I wrote the better part of this essay in the third person before I realized I was doing it, and rewrote it to be about me. So I am going to work hard on satisfying my own expectations, and working as hard as I know that I can.

It's been a while!

I can't believe it has been since May since we posted anything!

Stephanie and Manuel were married last month in the Salt Lake temple. In August we also took the kids and the girls camping outside Yellowstone at Granite Creek. It was a great summer. Eva learned to walk, Nate started learning sign language . . . we'll start updating more from now on! I'll also start adding more pictures . . .

Cliche marriage epiphany

Last week Ben and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary while "vacationing" in Goblin Valley with the girls. The kids stayed back with their grandparents. We had fun while we were gone, but camping and hiking with ten girls in the next tent talking about their menstrual cycles at seven in the morning wasn't exactly romantic! So, we decided to take four days off work when we returned, both to recover and to have fun.

That is when I learned that "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "King of Queens" and every other sitcom about married life suddenly makes sense!

Friday we spent at Costco. It is a day event between loading up the kids and the drive to Salt Lake. Afterwards we decided we should go out to eat. Before kids we ate out frequently, and we were always trying to decide on the "perfect place." After a day of errands the kids, we decided on Olive Garden in two minutes for the following reasons: it was close by, we were exuasted, and we knew what we would like to eat. At the restaurant Ben remembered what a pain it was to wait on families with kids as Nathan threw silverware and food on the floor and shrieked loudly. I tried to take Nathan out after he threw food at me but he just loved the new scenery of different areas of the restaurant. And to be honest, it was hard to be really upset with him because in between the tantrums he was really fun.

Saturday Ben spent playing his video game, a well deserved reward after a day of shopping. I cleaned the apartment.

Sunday I cleaned, again, and packed the kids to spend the night at their grandparents. We thought about going up to Park City for the night, but only for a minute. So, we dropped the kids off, and went to a wedding reception where we talked more about our kids. At home we watched a movie.

I know I am officially a mom when I asked for a food processor for a gift. And I definitely know Ben is a dad when we buy a new computer monitor instead!

We ended our weekend at the factory outlets in Park City, where I bought Stride Rite shoes for the kids for a mere $15 and clothes at the Banana Republic outlet. I am now a bargain shopper!

In spite of my realization that I have turned into a Mormon Mom, I had a great weekend!

Stephanie, my sister, planned to spend the summer in Chile. Stephanie is a Spanish major at BYU and wishes to teach English as a second language. At the last minute Stephanie decided to stay home, with big news. Stephanie is getting married on August 23. So, it looks like I get to help plan a wedding this summer . . .

Stephanie and I are both adopted. The stories of our adoptions aren't especially interesting, but you'd be surprised by the questions people ask when they find out. Both of us were born to young single mothers who chose to give their babies lives with two parents. When Stephanie came home, I asked my mom over and over when her mom was going to come pick her up! I was used to being the center of attention . . .

On Stephanie's first birthday, my mom told me she was going to put Stephie down for a nap and decorate the birthday cake, and then we would have a party. At two years old, I interpreted this to mean that if Stephanie did not nap, she would not have a party. I filled a cup of water from the bathroom and dumped it on Stephie's head as she lay in her crib. I still remember how I pulled the stool to the bathroom sink, walked carefully down the hall trying not to spill the water, and how I couldn't really see into Stephanie's crib as I turned the cup upside down. I do remember the birthday party I was unable to prevent, and family video shows me sulking and trying to sneak my finger into the frosting of the birthday cake!

We did play well together most of the time as children, but we also were great with our fingernails when we were angry, especially Stephanie. Stephanie was really sweet when she was little, but she had a fiesty side to her. One minute Stephanie would write a sweet note about how much she loved me and the next minute she would be biting and scratching! Stephanie and I weren't especially competetive, except for when it came to music. One day after I began piano lessons, which I begged to take, my mom called us all into the family room where Stephanie had picked out the melody to "Joy to the World." It became clear that Stephanie had perfect pitch. Although Stephanie started playing much later than me, and I was more serious, Stephanie caught up quickly. We would often fight because I would work hard to learn a piece and since Stephanie could hear me practicing, she would pick up the song much more quickly when it was her turn.

It doesn't surprise me that she speaks Spanish so well - she has a great ear!

A thorough introduction

My name is Jordan. I was born and raised in Hillsboro, Oregon. I have one sister, Stephanie. My dad, Jim, is a dentist in Hillsboro, and my mom, Connie, is his right hand woman at the office.

Almost six years ago (WOW) I met my husband, Ben, in Provo, Utah. We met in the typical BYU fashion, at church! The first time Ben and I met I thought he was really difficult to read. We spoke briefly, but I didn't think much of it because we didn't click. After several encounters at social events throughout the summer, Ben and I ended up talking for several afters after Sunday night Ward Prayer and clicked. We married in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on May 2, 2003.

In April of 2005 we made a life changing decision. At the time Ben was working at a restaurant and was pretty burnt out. I had been working at a residential treatment center, Discovery Academy. We accepted a new job at Alpine Academy, as Family Teachers. We moved an hour away from our home to Tooele, Utah to live in a home with ten privately placed girls in need of treatment to address behaviors such as depression, family strain, social anxiety, and discipline issues. We knew the job would be intense, but nothing could have prepared us for the sacrifices we would make, the lessons we would learn, and in turn blessings!

Our first year was quite an adjustment. I was pregnant with our first baby. During our first ultrasound the radiologist detected a cystic kidney and problems with the baby's bladder. At a follow up visit with maternal fetal medicine, we were told that the baby would likely have good renal function in his remaining kidney and no other abnormalities were detected. On September 18, at 35 weeks, I woke up in the morning and thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. I snapped at Ben several times and we argued. I think because I was so horribly moody, Ben suspected something might really be wrong. We decided to stop in the ER quickly just to be safe. Once in the emergency room the nurse asked me to sit in a wheelchair. I immediately felt embarrassed and hoped I wasn't overreacting. After two hours in the women's unit the doctor prepared to release me. At the last minute the doctor decided to check my cervix because the machines were detecting contractions. He found I was dilated and almost completely effaced, and decided to keep me overnight. I was naive about childbirth and when the doctor sent me home on bedrest, I was clueless that I would have the baby within 24 hours! I was only home for two hours when my water broke. Nathan was born on September 19, 2005.

We were warned that Nathan may have respiratory problems due to his prematurity. I saw his cute little cone-head and then the nurses immediately whisked him away to work on his lungs. In the meantime I was taken to a recovery room and the on-call pediatrician came to speak to Ben and I. It was such a blessing this particular physician, Dr. Haroutunian, was on call that day. As Dr. H. tried to place a breathing tube in Nathan's trachea, he detected a trans-esophageal fistula (TEF). Acting on instinct, Dr. H. checked Nathan's bottom. He then discovered Nathan also had an imperforate anus. Dr. H. was the first person to use the word "VATTRS." Nathan took his first helicopter ride to Primary Children's hospital where two weeks later doctors finally concluded that Nathan did indeed have VATTRS Syndrome, also known as VACTRAL. Nathan was born with an ASD/VSD hole in his heart, an imperforate anus, and a TEF. Nathan's second kidney had completely disintegrated. Nathan's ureter connected through his prostate, creating a large ureter with a slow flow, and grade 5 kidney reflux. Nathan's anus also connected to his prostate. By chance and unrelated to his other birth defects, Nathan was born with problems with his reproductive system as well. On Nathan's second day of life he underwent major surgery to repair his TEF and create an stoma for waste disposal. Nathan spent six weeks in the NICU. After two weeks we were finally able to hold him. Ben and I could feel his sweetness. We knew Nathan was special and I felt inadequate to take care of someone with a special mission we could sense. Once Nathan came home, he wore an eating tube we would place in his nose to aide in feeding. Nathan lacked an appetite and was often too tired to eat. Over the next year Nathan was hospitalized every other month for infections such as e-coli, pseudamonas, and enterococcus, caused by his grade 5 reflux. Nathan also began continual oxygen therapy at home when a routine echocardiogram revealed pulmonary hypertension of his lungs. At eight months old Nathan underwent heart bypass surgery to repair the hole in his heart.

During this time, I became pregnant with our second baby. Ben and I knew it would be hard to have two babies so close together, but I felt so strongly that Nathan needed a friend, and that we had another little spirit waiting to come to earth. Due to the complications with Nathan, I was closely monitored, but everyone involved felt that since Nathan's condition was one in a billion, there wasn't much need for concern. At 20 weeks gestation, I began having infrequent contractions. By 24 weeks I was on bedrest and medication. At 29 weeks, I was hospitalized at St. Marks.

My hospitalization left Ben at home with Nathan and ten girls. I learned a lot about myself during my six week hospital stay. For one thing, I learned that I need people. Once when I was fifteen someone commented to my mom that I was the most independent and resourceful teenager he had met. I fed off of this comment for a long time. I still don't know why - I had many other positive attributes, and quite honestly, I was a talented teenager and had many other characteristics I could have explored and developed. For some reason, I took great pride in this comment, and for a long time I thought it made me strong to not "need" anyone. Although until I was married I always had a lot of friends, few of them sensed that I kept each of them at a calculated distance. In fact, those I felt closest to I pushed away the most. During my hospital stay I became acutely aware that I no longer had friends. I had known this for a long time, but I blamed it on my sixty hour work weeks and taking care of a special needs child. Left alone with a television and my thoughts, I couldn't run away from the truth. For the first four weeks the nurses would offer me help and I would refuse it. They would say, "You're so easy!" and I would feel so good that I didn't cause them trouble, and that I was so independent. When I was admitted to St. Marks I was transported by ambulance from Tooele. I was dilated to a 4 and almost completely effaced. I believe strongly our baby did not come because there were lessons I needed to learn, and I resisted them until my last two weeks on bedrest. Among this important realization, I spent a lot of time thinking about my family and my life.

Eva Rachelle was born on October 9, 2006. Eva was admitted to the NICU due to lung prematurity. Eva came home the day Nathan was admitted to Primary Children's hospital for surgery to repair his imperforate anus!

I have spent the last six months watching Eva and Nathan grow and working hard to help teach our teenage girls the skills they need to return to their families.